I still say your name when I don't feel right

an email to my best friend, 5/8/09

i figured email would be better than texting you. i still feel like talking but a left about 40 minutes ago. we talked for a long time after you left though and it was really nice. we laid on the floor next to each other and i ran my fingers through her hair for such a long time and it was so nice just to spend time with her, i don’t know why i can’t stop thinking about it but i can’t. i emailed j asking if we could talk about this sometime, i didn’t completely specify what i wanted to talk about but i feel like she would be a really good person to talk to. also i just saw this on facebook,

 *** shouldl go to sleep before she embarasseds herself some more

and i wonder what she’s embarrassed about, we talked about a lot of things but i didn’t think any of them were embarrassing, i wonder if she’s embarrassed about that or if something happened when she got back to smq. please don’t judge me for my poor grammar right now, i know you won’t but i feel like i need to at least acknowledge the fact that i’m using commas instead of conjunctions and other forms of punctuation. anyway i’m not sure what she is embarrassed about but i want to know, if it’s something she thinks she did or what. she left kind of abruptly, it was late i guess and we weren’t really in the middle of talking about anything but i wish she’d stayed longer. it felt so perfect being with her and knowing she wanted to be there, d came in to see if we wanted to go to kafein with him and g and she wanted to go but then i said i didn’t want to go and didn’t have any money so she stayed with me. and like part of me really really wants to think and hope that she feels the same way i do and is confused about it and doesn’t know what to do or what will happen because that could explain why she left, maybe she was scared of where she wanted things to go and didn’t think i was thinking the same thing so she has more self-control than i do and used it. this is extremely unlikely though and i shouldn’t be so optimistic or hopeful, i should keep my usual pessimistic worldview lol. i don’t know why but i just have this hope for her, i think it’s because of how much time we spend together and the things she says, etc. i told you about how she said my ass looked nice in the pants i was wearing, and then i just remembered that when we were changing in the locker room at the gym tuesday night before we went out she was in her sports bra and pants and putting on a shirt and we were talking about how it was kinda awkward/funny that she forgot to bring a normal bra and then she was like “but come on you think this is hot right?” in reference to her wearing her shirt unbuttoned with her bra showing, obviously it was a joke but i didn’t know how to respond at all so it was kind awkward, but i feel like she knew i wouldn’t know how to respond, and i really want there to be a reason behind why she said it. i overinterpret EVERYTHING.

i don’t know why i feel like this, m. i’ve been feeling really jaded and fed up with boys lately and like i just don’t care anymore and then she comes along and makes me feel like looking forward to what could happen in the future and just like new and not sick of all of this and i don’t know why it has to be her, why can’t it be a boy, and then when i think things like that i just feel strange because i am completely tolerant and accepting of homosexuality but then when i personally have feelings for a girl it feels like it shouldn’t happen and it makes me feel hypocritical and question my own beliefs and opinions. blech. so much thinking. also… i still have your car keys. anyway. i am listening to “first day of my life” by bright eyes and it just completely describes how she makes me feel. she makes me feel like everything is okay no matter what and that i deserve to be happy but what i really like is that since we have fought so much i’ve gotten over my dependence on her, which is something i never quite got over with alden even though it was never an issue, and now it feels like the time we spend together she really does want to be there and isn’t just there because i need her.

i think the thing that makes this most confusing is that i have had feelings for most of my close friends/people i confide in at some point, not all of them but i guess you could say like the people that characterize different years of my life, i have liked at some point. i was really attracted to j and a, and also my best friend from home (m, yeah, another girl, so idk what is up with this) so it kind of makes me think that maybe i just like can’t express how deeply i care for these people in any way other than to become physically attracted to them? i dunno. maybe i should just stop confiding in such attractive people haha. but then like, i talk to you and g about a lot of things and i don’t want to make out with either of you (no offense lol) so i don’t know. anyway. it’s 2:25, i should have gone to bed half an hour ago because class tomorrow morning is going to suck. i’m really glad we got to hang out tonight, i love you, for serious, what we did tonight was exactly what i felt like doing because sometimes it’s really nice just to hang out with one or two other people and have quiet bonding time. and when quiet bonding time involves drinking, well that’s all the better. haha. now i just went back and added more thoughts and feelings to the earlier paragraphs because i oh man feelings are just GREAT and now it’s 2:40 and i should go to bed. i had a good time hanging out with you tonight, love youuuu :)